Sucker For Advertising Part II

They work on me.

The Miller Lite "Man Law" commercials.

I know, I know. Not one kegger in this great land of America can get through a night without a group of pink-polo-shirted frat boys yelling, "Oh shit, bro! I love that commercial! Dude, Kenny's dad totally knows somebody's dad who can get us on one of those commercials. Man Law!"

But hear me out ...

If I could have a super power, it would be the ability to eat whatever I want at any time during the day or night without fear of plumping out and becoming a flabby mass of dude. I love eating. I love carbohydrates. If I didn't get as much excercise as I do, I'd be a bit of a flab-ass.

I also love drinking beer. You can give me a regular Budweiser and I'm right with the world. I figure that somewhere else in the world a Budweiser is considered an import.

(As Ellerby from "The Departed" might say: "I'm gonna go have a beer right now. You want a beer? You don't drink beer, do ya, right? What are ya? One of those fitness freaks? Go fuck yourself").

But I don't get to drink a Budweiser. If I get to drink a Budweiser, I get to drink a Budweiser Select.

Allow me a moment to prove I'm secure in my own sexual orientation and say that again: If I drink a Budweiser, I drink a Budweiser Select.

Except, I don't drink a Budweiser Select. Not usually. At least not publicly.

Same for Michelob Ultra.

You could say those beers are gay. Or metrosexual.

I'm neither (but I'm cool with anybody who is, you know ... it's cool ... and ... like ... I don't mean it like ... whatever ... go fuck yourself).

But what I will drink is a Miller Lite. The carbohydrate count is just as low as these two other low-carb beers that bill themselves as such. Miller Lite doesn't go out of its way to make this point.

Of course, what's ironic is that they used to. Remember two years ago when Budweiser had those commercials that told consumers to decide by taste because all light beers had less carbs? They were in response to Miller Lite advertising that it had less carbs than a Bud Light (in fact, about half the carbohydrates).

The end result after all the advertising? The birth of Budweiser Select. Having proved its point, now Miller Lite -- which in the past has sponsored gay pride parades and advertised in gay magazines to penetrate the gay market-- is moving on to more ... macho ... endeavors.

So, what's the difference?

Certainly not that Miller Lite tastes any less like piss than a Michelob Ultra.

It's just that it's OK for a guy like me to drink it and be seen buying it.

Imagine for a moment a college football pre-game tailgate. Part of the fun is to see the raw, tribal rituals that take place in this fascinating social setting (which allows you to piss behind some kudzu on a Saturday where you'd get arrested for indecency on a Wednesday).

You've perfected the mechanics of the beer-drinking football guy that requires you to keep the beer steady in one hand as you throw and catch the football with the other.

You've parked your car. You've pulled out your cooler. You've grabbed your football.

You're ready. Now, just make sure that whatever you do you don't drop that Budweiser Select.

That doesn't work for you?

Try this one:

You enter the gas station at 10 p.m. You've had day that won't quit at work. You're still dressed in your tie, but, hey, you like to drink the 24 oz. beers if you're just looking for a fade to wind down for the rest of the night. If you do the math, you see that buying three 24 oz. beers costs less than buying a six pack.

These boys are big. They're gangsta. And for whatever reason, they make you look more like a drunk than a genius. Maybe it's because the clerk and all the people waiting behind you in line know that if you're opening one of them bad boys you're committing yourself to two beers right off the bat, and you've got two more waiting and only two hours until midnight.

So you head up to the counter, surrounded by a dozen eyes, looking like the interstate-commuting, worker drone guy you've decided to stomach being. And cradled ever so gently in your arms are three, sweating, 24 oz. ...










... Miller Fucking Lites.