That Guy We Call Dad
You walk together, forever bound by an unbreakable kinship capable of moving mountains.
Doubting but teaching.
Failing but learning.
You are no longer what you want to be; you are what you must be.
Along the way, incapable of succeeding, you can only hope that what is good and kind and yielding is somehow a reflection of you.
Fear grabs hold and freezes certainty.
The only salvation is in the hope that, somewhere inside, you might be but a fraction of that person you are so afraid to ruin.
22 comments:
I love those pictures I have one of my husband and son shooting his bow in the yard that gives me the same warm fuzzy feeling.
I like to think I'm a fraction of the person I'd like to be. The only problem is, this fraction is one billionth.
Still, it's a start.
bear with me. i'd like to extrapolate.
look at the big guy in that pic. that's me. the kid in the green is my 5 year old son (the kid at the bottom is my 2-year-old, but that's really a separate effort to say i love the little guy, too).
the kid with the blonde hair is mine and my son's cousin. notice how my son is going through the extra effort to include him, to care for him. the cousin isn't a hold-hands-kind-of-kid. where's he's from, that might get your ass kicked.
then look at me. self-absorbed. oblivious. if it were just me and my cousin, we'd be walking with no embrace.
my son, though, reaches out in ways i can't (for reasons that are too difficult to explain).
i fear ruining the absolute perfection of a child's affection. he cares more than i ever could. and all i can hope is that what he does there is something he learned from me.
it's only a hope.
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and one other thing ...
my dad catches a lot of hay for being an obnoxious digital camera guy (and sometimes he can be) ...
... but he's gotten to the point where he takes some pretty cool pictures. everbody bitches, but they sure like to see the photos.
anyway ... props to my embattled dad.
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Your words here are perfect. "...the person you are so afraid to ruin" this should be every parents' creed. A huge pat on your dad's back for taking such heartfelt pics.
Dad's are important. This kind of reminds me of that song- "Born to shimmer, born to shine, born to radiate...."
what song is that, amber-lynn? i'd like to know why it reminds you of that, because that sounds pretty cool.
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The name of the song is Shimmer by Shawn Mullins.
That was so beautiful. You won't ruin them, you're an awesome dad!
thanks, cindy-lou, you're a cool motherscratcher ("raising arizona").
this dad stuff ain't easy for a guy like me ... who anyone who's known me more than five years can tell you is the least likely person you'd expect to be one.
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Its quite sad how over time by human nature adults become mature and forget to have fun sometimes but then a child could so easily remind them of those carefree days. I guess especially now a days in our society people are being forced into being strict and professional in their work environment and then they become even less in touch with their inner child. I myself try to have as much fun while I still can. I mess around,dress wierd,be loud,walk backwards in the halls ect. just because I know eventually I will have to give most of that up when I get a career. I would like to see a CEO do the sort of things I do at school and not get fired. See if you can get one to run backwards wearing homer simpson pj pants,and a piece of tape on their forehead that says "I like marshmallow pie,while screaming "The lemmings are coming! The lemmings are coming!" I think a good way to raise a kid is quit being so up tight and teach them to have fun while they can. Spend time, do things with them, tell them storys of when you were their age but still try to teach thems the facts of life. A kid can show you things about yourself you never knew and teach you how to just have fun and not worry so much. But just wait till their teenagers...Hopefully the next generation wont be as bad as this one.
eric, you're wise beyond your years. and unlike most teenagers, apparently able to recognize how difficult teenagers can be.
of course, i never was. nope, not me. not all. ;)
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thanks for taking the time to think about it, dayna. i appreciate that.
my son saw the picture the other night. he talked about how he knows elijah doesn't like to hold hands. but he also knows that his cousin loves him ... just in a different way that can't be expressed the same way. likewise, he knows i love him, but eventually he'll probably wonder why i space out from time to time.
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Meh. One day I might be a dad and be able to write about being one...
Wow, I feel bad for my imagined future child.
maybe you could write about being a son, rusty. us dads are always interested in that. i don't know about anybody else, but being dad makes it so i can't think of myself as a son.
though i'm sure there's a reason why my dad took that picture ... you know?
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man, i really appreciate everyone taking the time think this through. i probably should be posting something else, but i just enjoy conversation. :)
jyny, i think you've got it exactly right. a lot of folks wait and wait and wait to have kids thinking everything must be perfect.
it never will be and you'll never be ready. parenting is fraught with fear. you love something more than life itself, but you can't, in the end, control what happens to that life.
my oldest son (my youngest is too young for me to totally connect with as a dad; the same was true for my age 5 one when he was little) opens so many doors for me.
he makes me be a better person. he reaches out (literally) in ways that i never could, in great part because his upbringing is far different than mine (for one, he doesn't live in a housing project).
i just love to see him be something better than i can be. to reach out and be inclusive.
recognizing what you recognize is sure to make you a good mom, jyny.
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Aw.
Of the many things I will never be, add son, and dad to the list.
Gawd.
you can be my honorary son, jay,if you want.
you don't even need a sex change. i'll just call you "son." everyone would stare, but we'll tell them they just don't understand the special bond between a father and his son.
seriously, though, you can be a mom. i hear that's pretty cool.
personally, i always wanted to be a brother, but no. that means no uncle either.
maybe i'll have another kid and just tell him i'm his uncle who adopted him when my brother died.
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That is an incredible picture. I really thought you found it in a hallmark site or something. That should be put into a frame. Your son is amazing and the way your kids look- you must be too.
Eric, you said no uncle.... so what do you call Zach?!
thanks, cori. they're amazing, but they must get it from their mom, because while i'd like to be half-man/half-amazin', i'm not.
are you kidding me, ashley? i'm talking about ME being an uncle.
you obviously have more faith in your brother's prospects of procreation than i do. and the bigger question: would i want to claim uncleship to any kids he might have? they'd always be eating off my damn plate and hoarding the pS2.
just kidding.
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it's an honor, dayna.
later tonight or tomorrow i'll be updating my site and my links. i'll add yours to what is becoming a seemingly long list of canadians.
go figure. well, my grandmother WAS from winnipeg, manitoba.
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