This Popcorn Must Be Kind Of Decent

Unbelievable, you say?

As in, beyond the realm of any human understanding? Or ... what?

What this must mean in microwavable popcorn terms is uncertain, but it must mean something (everything means something, even if it's that it doesn't mean anything).

Even less clear is where this package "Trail's End" popcorn came from. The only reason it comes to the fore is because of a random stumbling upon a picture of the "Best By: SEP 05 05 ... Unbelievable" label on the back side of the package.

Somehow, "unbelievable" demands notation, if only because assuring that something cannot be believed in could very well shake the foundation of faith as we know it.

Perhaps it means we shouldn't believe in this company that collects 30 percent of the revenue on every bag of popcorn that a Boy Scout sells and that blatantly pushes its product in a scrutiny-proof-girl-scout-cookie kind of way.

But that's beside the point. Check the website on the package if you want to deconstruct the absolute weirdness of Trail's End popcorn and the guy with the unbelievable mustache.

What makes this popcorn so unbelievable?

Is it that, when you taste it, the taste buds perceive a sensation so exquisite that they refuse to send a nerve impulse to the brain? That they're so certain this popcorn is so delicious that it requires no interpretation?

That would mean that if it tastes bad, we wouldn't know, because its sheer unbelievableness rules out any ability to categorize its superior pedigree.

Does it mean that the taste is unbelievable now, today, at this exact hour and minute? Or, perhaps, that if you open it on SEP 05 05, that is when it becomes most unbelievable ... and that any point before or after that fateful date makes it increasingly more believable?

To make the human mind fail to believe in the impossible is quite a feat.

This popcorn must be, at the least, better than average. And, in the best case scenario, capable of limiting human imagination.

Time to let the scorcery of microwaves bring this exotic culinary creation to fruition.

First, to be completely thorough, a review of the directions:

1.) Remove overwrap and place bag, unfolded, in the center of the microwave oven. BE SURE THIS SIDE IS UP!

Wait. What side? To read the directions, you have to unfold the bag. So ... OK, fold it back because it's supposed to be unfolded.

Sorry. Nevermind.

Check.

2.) POP! Set microwave on HIGH and set oven timer for 4 minutes (the actual cooking time will be between 1-1/4 and 4 minutes). Push START. Listen carefully! When popping slows to 2-3 seconds between pops, turn oven off. DO NOT LEAVE MICROWAVE OVEN UNATTENDED ... overcooking may result in scorching.

Will do. No diverging from specific instructions to make this popcorn more believable than it should be.

3.) OPEN BAG. Remove bag from microwave. Contents are Hot! Handle by corners only. Open bag away from face by pulling corners apart. Children should use microwave only with adult supervision. DO NOT reheat uppopped kernels or re-use bag.

Why? Oh, right. The heat bearing its transcendant essence is too much for the everyday human face to bear, and if a kernel hasn't popped, it wasn't meant to pop.

What's next?

4.) ENJOY! You've prepared high quality popcorn, always fresh, made to the highest standards.

You're damn right, brother! There's no higher standard than "unbelievable!"

Everything is in order. Now comes ... The Popping.

2:45. Sure enough, right on the money, the first kernel pops. "Unbelievable" is looking like quite the probability.

1:28. Popping is in full force now. Lips tremble at the sound.

8, 7, 6, 5 ... The popping has stopped. The moment with fate has arrived. Finally, the definition of that which can't be believed will be realized.

Here goes ...