Man Size Wad
When you make the perfect slide ...
When you keep the team alive ...
When you block a shot or two ...
How do you know you're in the Big Leagues?
There is only one way ...
... when you're into Big League Chew.
We walked, a dollar in our pocket in the humid summer sunshine, to the air conditioned confines of the grimy conveinence store to buy the first issue of Alpha Flight and a pouch of Big League Chew sporting the bold and brash "Man Size Wads" plastered across in large type.
The guy in the commercial with the raspy, authorative voice extolling the virtues of the "Man Size Wads" growled in our psyches, echoing the propanganda designed to manipulate the tastes of children who wanted to be men before their time.
Children who wanted to be strong when they were weak.
Children who wanted to emulate with shredded bubble gum the virile sports symbolism of chewing tobaccy.
It was the yesteryears of the early 1980s: when offensive lineman never weighed more than 300 pounds; when basketball players wore Daisy Dukes and rims refused to collapse; when baseball players chewed tobacco as their shaggy mops flowed from their crusty mesh hats before shaggy mops and crusty mesh hats became a new retro; when the term "Man Size Wads" evoked images of larger-than-life ballplayers like LeBron James instead of larger-than-life creeps like Michael Jackson.
Their masculinity was confirmed -- the jingle suggested -- between the cheek and gum, chewing with passion and competitive spirit.
Winners.
Big League Chew bridged a gap of inappropriateness between sports gods and the young disciples who worshipped them.
A gob of gook puffing out the cheek was OK -- as long as it was shredded bubblegum, in keeping with true, conservative, Reaganesque '80s moral values.
Now it's not OK.
The philistines of today have relegated Big League Chew to the same fate as the candy cigarette.
Candy now demogogued as a gateway drug.
Grown, we long for the "Man Size Wads," knowing that so many of us never really ended up chewing ... or dipping ... or smoking ... even if we briefly ventured into the teen realm of addictive coolness.
For those of us who stayed, it wasn't the gum that did it.
Thank you, Indian/English-language-challenged/mall-confectionary-store proprietor, for keeping even the most miniscule stock of "'Outta Here Original," "Curveball Cotton Candy," "Slammin' Strawberry," "Swingin' Sour Apple" and "Wild Pitch Watermelon."
Thank you, Napoleon Dynamite, for stuffing that shredded cocktail of sugar and gum base in your mouth in the bathroom and swallowing it whole when you realized Trisha had ditched you.
You are the faithful torch-bearers of the persecuted pouch.
May The Chew be with you.
8 comments:
Im not really surprised how much the governmant is cracking down on drugs and things that promote drugs. The teens and kids of today have such a big problem with drugs and in the future if they continue to have those sorts of problems there are going to be less people to oppose drugs. Its funny really how the only reason people do drugs is because its illegal and if we do make them legal everybody will be on drugs. The government screwed its self and never found out till it was pregnant. I mean it is outrageous that they take away gum but who knows if its going to help or not. But of course what harm could it do? But of course theres always going to be a couple of wierdos that oppose everything. Who knows maybe they will march around with signs saying "Kids have the right to chew gum!" Its really more likely kids will get into drugs because their friends or parents do them instead of chewing gum. Kids always want to be excepted by their peers and being in high school I see this constantly. Drugie parents have drugie children although there are a couple excpetions even if they are rare. The parents are just trying to play it safe and doing their best to guard their kids from the real world and I cant blame them even if they are going overboard. They just want to protect their kids and give them a good future just like anyone else would but in my opinion they should just calm down.
Signed
Eric-ness, A Pretendor
eric-ness, a conclusion i've come to after years of observation is that the more you try to shelter your kids, the more unprepared for the world they will be.
my mother often threw me to the wolves. when it came time to experiment as a teen, nothing felt taboo and i often chuckled to myself how "rebellious" everyone thought they were being.
e+
now i want some big league chew. really really really bad.
yo, db ... send me $50 and i'll get you a dime of it from this guy i know.
big league chew hasn't changed.
i grabbed a few man size wads of it this weekend and just couldn't stop until each pouch was empty.
i guess you could call it an addiction. ;)
the chew was for my son's baseball-themed b-day party last weekend, to go with cracker jacks, hot dogs and popcorn.
one cool mom told me she wishes they'd bring the candy cigs back (yeah, my son plays with the cool kids).
e+
i just got some. i offered five dollars to anyone who could get if for me since i have no good way to get some. and it just walked in my door. its just like i remember.
I actually bought some yesterday simply because I read this post.
We also used to chew it on the way to baseball games. I never graduated into the realm of 'real' chew, but a few friends did.
I liked candy cigarettes as well, and I don't smoke.
you know, rusty, i knew for a couple days i wanted to stand up for my old childhood friend, the chew.
so, i eventually started spouting off. then just as i reached midpoint, i had to go raid my little 5 year old's stash of "wild pitch watermelon."
it was like that pringles commercial where one isn't enough. i chewed the whole pack.
damn, now i want some pringles.
e+
While not familiar with the big league chew I can vouch that pringles are scrumptious
and scrumptious is not a word I use lightly.
but Monosodium glutaemate is the reason that once you start popping you can't stop apparently
I'm sure I like em - but maybe thats the chemicals telling me so...
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