'I'm Sorry'
Before you ask, the answer is "No."
No, Hallmark doesn't make an "I'm-Sorry-For-Stomping-You" card. If you need one, though, it's not copyrighted and we would be happy to photocopy one for you for free.
Tomorrow, my first-born son has to apologize to one of his bestest, mostest favoritest friends.
The two were at recess today, taking a break from the daily grind of first grade. They were playing a game where, apparently, someone is chasing someone who has to be arrested. At least that's the explanation he gave me as I watched him write his apology for throwing his friend to the ground and stomping a mudhole in him.
Now, this kid is not a tattletale wussy boy. My son must have been stomping the shit out of him. In fact, he was. The teacher said as much herself. But he didn't do this with the slightest bit of anger. He has big love in his heart (and, as it appears, hearts in his eyes) for Zachary.
After the speech about "You Wouldn't Like It If" and "We Don't Do Things Just Because We Can," I'm left to think about the lecture I should give myself.
In the end, I am responsible for this.
In his U-8 soccer league, I've taught him to play tough. He's almost the youngest 6 year old on a team stocked with 7 year olds. He starts at center sweeper. He's the only one on the team who grasps the complexities of what it means to see the field and pass the ball at the right time. He enjoys helping someone else score.
After the game, I tell him how proud I am of him for playing smart and unselfish. I tell him he ran hard. Then I tell him, "There's one little thing you could do better, son. It's just that you're still a little too scared of the bigger kids."
And he wants to please me.
This is why he stiff-arms those bigger kids, and the small ones, too. All of them.
This is why he cheats at Madden and slams his controller down on the floor.
This is why he gets upset if he can't beat his brother out of the bath and get dressed first.
This is why he can't think of anything but being a winner.
I've held him down on the bed and told him to fight back as if a bigger kid were on top of him. It took him a while to realize I was serious, that I wanted him to shake off fear and punch me, kick me, whatever it took to not be frozen with surprise.
There's a reason why I do this.
I don't want him to be a victim.
I'm preparing him for what I expect to come.
The funny thing about parenting is, you can't foresee everything that will come. His life isn't my life. And it never will be. Never as susceptible to chaos and fear.
The truth is that he senses my fear for him. He lacks faith. He seeks control.
He's just like me -- and, right now, that's not a good thing.
But he has something going for me that I don't.
He's still capable of picking out a piece of paper with a bunch of flowers on it and drawing pictures of himself and his friend and how he sees their relationship. One with smiles and hearts for eyes and words sounded out in phonics.
Tomorrow, he apologizes to his friend.
And tomorrow I make it better for him. 
11 comments:
I have to give you a lot of credit for taking responsibility for this. Most parents would have just blamed MTV or said that "without my knowing, my son has been staying up late and watching 'The Shield' and I guess he was acting out what he watched on tv. So, I'm turning off the cable channels and writing my congressman about this". Or something like that.
When I was in first grade we played "cops and bad guys" games too. We would arrest the bad guys during recess and stuff. But, we didnt' have cable, so nobody ever got thrown to the ground and stomped stomped on.
I know this is a serious post. And there are a million serious responses I could say to it. But I... I just can't. "I'm sorry for stomping you," has got to be the funniest sentiment I've ever heard. Understand, I grew up with two younger brothers (10 and 11 yrs younger in fact). This stuff is going to happen all through their childhood.
You parent one way thinking it will help them get through something, and it bites you in the ass. Like when my Mom told my brothers to stick up for each other. She thought that would mean they wouldn't pick on each other anymore or encourage their friends to. And they didn't.
They just beat up other people who did.
Hence the twin black eyes they had in her wedding photos.
Oh, boy. Parenting is just hard. And the worst part is you don't find out until the kids are grown if you did it right or not. But, you're paying attention. That's at least half the battle.
Yeah, we used to beat the hell out of each other when we were little. We were being 'Power Rangers.'
That's not why we did it, of course.
i appreciate it everyone. very good feedback. i appreciate you taking the time to think about it.
an interesting thing about this is ... when i saw that card, i immediately thought "this is going to be hilarious. i have to share this with the world."
because i think tink is right about the sound of that. i had thought about just writing the first two lines. leave it there and get a laugh.
but as i wrote it, i began to think it through. it's one of the few times where i came to a conclusion as i was writing something.
by the end of it, i came to a course of action ... which isn't to literally apologize to my son. it's more like he has to apologize and my responsibility is to do something in the same spirit.
he had a very stress-free soccer practice today.
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I gave Mark Newbury an awesome right hook before he beat the seven bells out of me back when I was around 12 and he was 16 - sure I took some hard knocks that day and the dinner ladies had to split it up before he killed me, but he never messed with me again and everyone always remembers that first hit I got in.
He's got to know when it is right and when it isn't right to stand up - and I think you are teaching him that
I have a boy in a similar position. He's always been huge - hell, he was born a toddler. He was raised entirely by his mama, who constantly told him "You're bigger than the other kids, Jake. You have to be careful and not hurt them." Of course, his mama is also a huge football fan and has had him play for the last several years. The problem is, he won't get tough. He won't knock the other kids on their butts.
I'm going to have to do with him what you've done with your son. You're right - it IS a tough line to walk, youghening him up without making a bully out of him.
It sounds like you're going into this with the right attitude. Well done, Dad.
my son's a little different. he's not particularly big. he's just physically tuned and able.
football makes me thing about something that worries me.
i've asked him about football. he's told me "no, thanks." i tell him that's cool because that's a violent sport. that would totally be his choice.
but then he sees his cousin playing (two years older) and starts talking about it. the thing is, i think he did it after we all showed so much interest in him talking about playing defensive end and wide receiver (weird combo there). it's almost as if my son does things to be better than other people, not becauase he necessarily wants to all by himself.
maybe i'm overthinking.
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you're going to teach him how to elbow opposition players in the face and protest innoceence at the sound of the ref's whistle, right?
elbow, yes. he already does that. to the face? no.
refs. i'm going to teach him to just play.
if he looks like world cup material ... then, yes, i'll teach all of those things you mention. :)
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k1?
damn, you guys start them early out there in californ I A.
e+
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