'I Am The Nina, The Pinta, The Santa Maria, The Noose And The Rapist, The Fields' Overseer, The Agents Of Orange, The Priests Of Hiroshima ...'

Over the past summer, I visited Chicago for the very first time.

So many things I'd never seen. I defined the city through my own perspective of how I see the world. Very different these Chicago people, but not nearly as interesting as me, because I was me and I was from somewhere else.

I was so taken by what I saw, I decided I should plant a South Carolina state flag in the Millennium Park Botanical Garden, fly back home and proclaim to everyone with ears to hear that I had discovered Chicago.

But I thought better of it.

First, come to find out, I had it all wrong.

I thought at first I had landed in Boise, Idaho. People were curious why I kept calling them "Idahoians," but I figured it must be because they were mindless savages who couldn't possibly be content without a discipleship to my religion, my culture, my economic worldview.

Then it really hit me. I came to realize that it comes across as at least mildly retarded to claim you discovered a place where people already lived and had been living for just about ever.

Too bad, though.

They would have closed banks, held amazingly insane car deals and taught children for centuries what a great guy I was for finding this great city -- because, hey, they'd never been there before, either.

Instead, I'll just wish you a Happy Day-To-Mindlessly-Give-Credit-Where-It-Really-Isn't-Due.