So, Where Do You Like Your Pancakes?
To drive the neon-flashing boulevards of Myrtle Beach is to embark on a journey of hyperstimulation and information overload.
There are so many signs. Just as there are so many businesses that offer the same products and services.
Within each mile of the main business stretch of this so-called "Redneck Riviera" (or, as I like to call it, "Daytona Tweaking On Meth") you are guaranteed to see at least one of each of these establishments:
... An obscenely oversized bargain beach store where you can buy bathing suits, shark-tooth necklaces, temporary tattoos and t-shirts with the silouhette of a stripper and "I Support Single Moms" scrawled in big letters.
... An obscenely oversized "Calabash" seafood buffet restaurant that offers the same atmosphere a discerning dining connoisseur would find in pigs gathering around a horse trough.
... A "gentleman's club" that promises the best women and offers (sadly) a lunch buffet.
And ...
A pancake house.
These places are desperate for our attention. They struggle to stand out from the pack -- like the homogenous beach dude banking on the hope that all those wintertime crunches will have his abs blaring the loudest.
(They don't understand the sublime simplicity and unassuming charm of the Qwik Mart, by far my mostest favoritest sign in all of known creation).
Alas, the beach stores and the buffet restaurants and gentlemen's clubs rely on neon. The strategy is to brainwash you into believing you're a moth: The brightest light wins.
For whatever reason, the pancake houses can't quite pull off the neon. So they employ a more-subtle device, one that's more insidious than intrusive.
This must be my favorite pancake place (even though I've never eaten there):
I love it simply because it's mere yards from this place:
Not to be outdone, this one is directly across the street:
Yes, the key is to establish your area of coverage. It's kind of like how professional sports teams try to claim a region instead of one mere city (the Carolina Panthers in Charlotte, the Florida Marlins in Miami, the ... yes, this is actually their name ... the Los Angeles Angels at Anaheim).
I'm not sure which ensures the best pancakes: Those pancake houses that claim pre-eminence over large regions or the ones that devote themselves to smaller coverage areas.
You can find just about any directional-style pancakes you wish:
Not too ambitious. Just some acreage.
This one aims a little higher:
Perhaps the most directionally appropriate given the locale (and, appropriately, "HIRIN WAITSTAF").
But certainly eclipsed in the shadow of:
It doesn't claim international hegemony -- just dibs on, I suppose, the North and South American continents.
So, the standard-bearer of pancake houses -- International House Of Pancakes -- is the one with the largest geographical claim.
Which leads me to wonder:
Should I open a Global House Of Pancakes, which would incorporate the seven seas and the continent of Antartica, which isn't a nation?
A Milky Way House Of Pancakes? Intergalactic House Of Pancakes?
No, I think I've got it: Omniversal House Of Pancakes.
Beat that, IHOP.
28 comments:
I don't even care where the pancakes come from but for some reason I only like to eat pancakes off someone else's plate. I don't like pancakes at all unless I'm stealing them. Odd? Are there others like me?
You know, in Canada it's hard to find a good pancake house. It seems that in the states there is one around every corner. In Canada we have something called "Tim Horton's" it's a coffee shop named after a hockey player. You can never go more than 500 meters (I don't know what that is in yards...sorry Yankees ;) without running into one. I can actually figure out how far my run is based on Tim Horton's - if I run to the first Tim's I've run a half kilometre, but if I run to the second Tim's I've made it a WHOLE kilometre.
I really enjoy your blog. The first entry I ever read was about your experience with adult diapers. I think that you might become one of those urban legends you hear about but instead of just messing up a bathroom there will be muscle shirts involved. Everything is cooler with muscle shirts. :)
...and cindy-lou - my mother is just like you. We could order the same thing for breakfast/dinner/whatever but for some reason, whatever is on MY plate is more apetizing and she would rather reach across the table and steal MY food.
In addition to all the neon you could take, my next favorite parts of Myrtle Beach are the bungee jumping off a crane establishments. Fuel up on some pancakes drive a few meters and cough them back up on a bungee jump.
The quick mart -- I love they are advertising blunts. Unless there's something called a beer blunt lottery, actually there probably is in Myrtle Beach.
Haven't been to Myrtle Beach in a while. Not much for pancakes there, but I liked the food at Medieval Times.
screetus ... i might should be embarrassed that i don't know this, but ... do they sell pancakes at waffle house. i know they've got waffles at pancake houses. but that would be a trip. i hope you enjoy the south. i often hear people come down afraid of us, then leave us less afraid or more something to be pitied. ;)
cindy ... it's hard for me to say, because really i don't share my food, i eat everything on my plate no matter how full i am (some complex about the starving kids in ethiopia) and then eat other people's leftovers. if they don't eat them, i ask them if i can put them in something and give them to my dog. weird, i know? sometimes it freaks people out.
i'm not sure that answered your question.
me ... it's a relief to know that your first experience was that and you weren't scared away. i worried people might boycott me for being so damn gross. thanks for reading. i hope you come back.
as for meters ... don't worry about translating. i think the metric system sounds SO cool. i wish we'd change ours to that. but we don't. because, you know, we're american.
fa ... yeah, my wife pointed that out from the pavilion (which is closing after this summer, by the way). it looks so awkward. like some fear factor episode or something.
what i love about that sign is that it represents everything that is myrtle beach. beer, blunts, lottery just sums it all up.
rusty ... i've not gone there. i'd be interested just because i like to do real touristy things. but my wife just couldn't stomach it. she likes quiet dinners by the bay at murrell's inlet.
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Hey Me, I just wanted to point out that I don't make it a habit to eat what's on other people's plates. It's really just pancakes. I don't know why, I guess I have a thing about pancakes. Eric, I started wondering, why does it have to be a pancake HOUSE? They're all pancakes houses. Why can't it be a pancake barn or a pancake patio? I'd frequent the Pancake Hut, I swear I would. If only to eat what's on other people's plates.
Eric: Are you kidding? I was so intrigued by the poop post that I just had to keep coming back for more!
Thanks for commenting on my blog. Here's something about my high school friend that I didn't really want to post on my blog JUST in case she ever read it there. (I'm sure with my luck she would find it and read it, and I want to keep my karma somewhat in tact) Here's my theory on why she doesn't talk to me anymore:
She got fat. And we aren't just talking a few pounds, because I totally have a few of those - we are talking graduating from regular clothing stores to plus size. If I gained that much weight since High School I think that I would also try to avoid conversing with my skinnier high school friends too!
We have our 10 year reunion in the spring and I'm wondering if she'll be going...and if she'll avoid me there too. ;)
cindy, maybe it has something to do with this notion that these places want you to feel like you're getting a homecooked breakfast from grandma. i don't know. maybe kind of like the pizza and sub houses (not as common), except it's luigi making you feel at home.
eating my huge belgian waffle last week, i really could have used you. i was trying to give that big-ass thing away (and i don't normally do that; i finished it, though).
Me, sounds like it might be a case of wanting to move beyond high school ... though in the reverse where she wants to leave behind where she is today.
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the sign that declares "since 1976" is leaving the establishment wide open to a classic insult should they ever serve some food that's off:
"since 1976 all right! i reckon this food has been festering since then."
My favorite Myrtle Beach sign isn't one you'll see on the side of the road. It is (was, probably, by now) in the elevator at one of the timeshare places.
http://stupidity.rickandpatty.com/2006/01/21/please-dont-throw-your-cat-into-the-jacuzzi/
My second favorite Myrtle Beach sign, though, *is* visible from the street.
http://stupidity.rickandpatty.com/2006/01/21/keep-off-the-grass-no-problem/
My in-laws *love* those pancake houses, by the way. The thing I find strange about them is that they always seem to be packed with people - especially during the bike weeks. Nothing goes with a Harley like pancakes, apparently.
that's a good one, dan. i like that. good to see you resurface in society.
mamalujo ... yes, i've been through pigeon forge. i was ... nonplussed. kind of seemed depressing actually. maybe because i don't like country music.
my wife and i had driven to gatlinburg one weekend and didn't realize it was like myrtle beach. i like that atmosphere at the beach but not in the mountains. we ended passing through pigeon forge, eating at a dairy queen, and crossing back over the continental divide to stay in n.c.
and on the shitting my pants ...
it's amazing to me how that story has circulated around. i sometimes google my site because i don't feel like typing my address in. it comes up with that post.
i looked at that traffic thingy i keep down there and found places i never knew existed telling people to read this f'ed up story about the guy who shit his pants.
wow, what a reputation.
i kind of like it. :)
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rick ... that sign is fantastic! what i like about it most is the conversational tone of it all, the specifity.
almost as if you were leaving a note to your wife to unload the dishwasher. classic myrtle beach. that's why i love it so.
on the myrtle beach restaurant craze.
i'm always amazed at what's crammed.
1.) the applebees, chilis, TGI fridays, red lobster. that's cool and all. just curious to me.
2.) cracker barrel. i hate that place. it's like the purgatory of the interstate, but they're always packed! even off ocean blvd.
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We have a rule in my household: When we drive down to Myrtle Beach, we aren't allowed to eat at places we have at home. What's the point, after all, of getting away from home just to go to the same old places?
Ahh, Cracker Barrel - the unholy marriage of cheap chinese goods in antiquey labels and plastic food, served to you in a dining area where the tables are packed so closely that your average sardine would complain about the lack of elbow room. If, of course, the sardine had elbows. Which he doesn't. Also if, of course, the sardine could talk. Which he can't. Where was I again? Oh yes! Cracker Barrel. Gets me crazy sometimes. :)
It's kinda strange in the UK that we have a pancake day - shrove tuesday - and they don't really get a mention after that - just this one day in the year when everyone - literally - goes homes and eats about 6 or 7 pancakes - and then doesn't think of them again for 12 months.
Seriously that is kind of strange isn't it?
There's a gap in the market there - "hey UK! eat pancakes today! it's Okay! honestly! it's Okay!"
When I was working in Toronto I used to love the breakfasts - I'd go the same place every day on the way to work and tehy would just keep bringing more food to me - like it was a challenge - the concept of finishing a meal was foreign to them - the only way to finish was to leave something on the plate.
Pancakes was the crescendo - I did my best - but they just kept on bringing more of them - pancakes did me in every time.
I'm going to go back there after starving myself for a few days and eat them out of pancakes - then I'll roll over to the counter and yell "YEAH! BEAT THAT PANCAKE FEEDING WOMAN! FEED ME MORE? YOU RUN OUT?! YOU'RE OUT! YEAH!" then Ill try and high five the other folk in the restaurant but ínstead they'll all be looking pretty confused and I'll just be asked to quietly leave and not hurt anyone.
After I'm gone the waitress will explain "they only get them once a year over in the UK"
the thing is, rick, the food is cold and mac and cheese is basically what you'd get out of a box of kraft. and it's incredibly expensive. but people feel like they HAVE to go there. we got a gift certificate there. i kept delaying using it. once we did, i told my "now i feel liberated; i'll never have to enter one of these again."
simon ... you are a great hypothetical storyteller. the best ever, and i mean that. you remind me of my friend paul ... so great with the "wouldn't it be funny if so and so ...?"
and, yes, that pancake day things is weird.
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"The strategy is to brainwash you into believing you're a moth. The brightest light wins." That is the funniest shit I've heard all week! The ones around here offer free gifts.
yeah, tink, the beach stores offer a free hermit crab with any purchase of a hermit crab cage.
how much can a hermit crab cost, man? you can get, like, 50 of them on the beach.
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the beach stores offer a free hermit crab with any purchase of a hermit crab cage.
These are the same people who offer a "free turtle with purchase of a cage" because it's illegal to actually sell the turtles. I guess they just use the same gimmick with the hermit crabs when they run low on turtles, though I don't *think* selling the hermit crabs is actually illegal.
dang, didn't know that about the turtles and legality. quite interesting.
what's equally interesting is that, even if it is a legal issue, it somehow makes marketing sense, too, in myrtle beach.
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Man, Eric, I've been away too long! I ate it all up, from the pancakes to the bladder infection to the explosive poop. Fabulous. They all tie in together. Superman (Dad), crapping his pants, yet he'll be ok. Icky body parts, bloody pee and the squirts. Heck, even a poodle eating noodles ties in with your crispy-butted dog.
Ambrosia.
Ummm, what's a blunt?
a blunt, as defined in popular culture, is a cigar. like the phillies blunt.
the reason it's advertised along with other vices, however, is because the popular usage of the blunt is to remove the tobacco and use the remaining paper to roll marijuana in.
it is the utmost of the three that makes this sign represent all that is myrtle beach.
i love it. superman crapping his pants and fighting off pissing blood. i never looked at it like that.
good to see you, kz.
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LOL! I didn't mean the beach stores... I meant some of the FOOD stops. I mean, if you have to offer someone a gift to eat there, something is WRONG.
I mean, if you have to offer someone a gift to eat there, something is WRONG.
The reputable food places don't tend to give you free hermit crabs, but they almost all offer some sort of "freebies" to entice you to come to their restaurant. In Myrtle Beach, you just grab one of the zillion free coupon books before going out to eat.
The disreputable places - well, there you might get free crabs.
free crabs in disreputable places.
sounds like some of the girls down there.
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sounds like Amsterdam too
fucking spiders! it's been busy at this place.
the top sign says beer blunt lottery.
what the hell is blunt? apart from my knowledge of american culture.
"a blunt, as defined in popular culture, is a cigar. like the phillies blunt.
the reason it's advertised along with other vices, however, is because the popular usage of the blunt is to remove the tobacco and use the remaining paper to roll marijuana in."
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