Tao Of Puke
First, restless sleep and watery mouth.
Up come the soft tacos, over the front porch, aimed for the bushes and carefully past the Christmas lights wrapped around the rails.
The throat and nasal passages burn with stomach acid and the tortilla and the meat and the cheese and the cheaply processed Old El Paso Mexican seasoning.
Then, more. And more.
And more.
It's gone. All gone.
(When it is gone, it is gone. Even when it's all over and the years have passed, never again will soft tacos come anywhere the stomach again).
Go to the refridgerator. Throw the leftovers to the dog. The thought of them even existing hurts the body.
Trudge to the shower. Go to work. Walk in, turn around, come home.
Ride by the drug store and come to the very real conclusion that "if someone must live the rest of his life in such all-encompassing pain, how is there any justice in the world that Jack Kevorkian is in prison?"
Stumble through the door, defeated. Fall on the couch. Doesn't feel good. Feels necessary.
Pepto Bismol. It tastes better coming up than the food did.
Some Ginger Ale to "settle the stomach."
Up it comes. Tastes better than the Pepto Bismol.
Think: amazing how in a matter of a few hours a human being's perception of what tastes good or bad is so drastically altered.
Lips are dry. Leg muscles heavy like sand bags. Body is begging for liquid.
More Ginger Ale. If it comes up, it comes up.
It does.
It doesn't taste bad. Masks the acid.
No food. Dry lips.
Watch "Dukes of Hazzard." Fall asleep.
Wake up. Watch "The Two Towers." Fall asleep.
Wake up. Watch "40 Year Old Virgin." Fall asleep.
Wake up. Check the scale. Ten pounds gone in four days.
Go to work. Pray for an easy day.
Everything must be finished today.
Wrapped brownie resting on the chair. No thanks.
Pass by the Christmas food table. Oreos, no. Nuts, no. Fudge brownie cake, no.
So hungry. Fear being hungry.
Store brand diet soda. Yes?
Pretzels. Three?
Soda. Yes.
Pretzels. Yes.
More soda. More pretzels.
Bathroom.
Fling tie over shoulder.
Beg for more mercy.
Everything must be finished.
Throw the rest of the soda in the trash.
Go to work.
Everything is finished.
Go home.
Chicken noodle soup sounds good ...
12 comments:
gastric flu?
must be going around both me and the little guy have had the same thing in the last week. Dont worry it will go away eventually.
That's bad news, man. Hope things start looking up (and stop coming back up).
Love the title, though.
You poor, poor thing. What a merry Christmas, huh?
yeah, stomach flu. my oldest got it from his cousin, then gave it to his brother and me and now my mother-in-law.
i haven't felt that bad in years. i tried to come into work so i wouldn't have to take any vacation days for my planned week off next week.
i was hoping for an extension, but everything had to be done because christmas is coming up and nobody's around.
so, as the drunk chick in "40 Year Old Virgin" would say, i had to "suck it uuuuuup."
i still can't hardly eat anything. the cool thing is, by sunday christmas dinner, i'll probably feel better and don't have to worry about gaining an incredible amount of weight. i'll probably not even end up back where i was after the holidays are over.
and, no, i'm not bulemic.
i appreciate the concern, guys.
e+
hope you feel better for chrimbo, man.
indian tonic water with quinine is the best thing. take small sips. forget ginger ale. it's a bad idea.
I got that virus in Indo and ended up in bed for a week watching the entire series of lost
I think we talked about that before - how you always remember the illness with the TV you watched
as that is pretty much all your good for during those times
and even TV is a struggle when you are that ill
hopefully your timing means that yeah, christmas dinner is your grand return
chin up soldier!
Merry Christmas Eric, I hope you are feeling better.
Now buisness: Lynn tagged me, now Tag,your it
Wow, Man, that's tough. You shoulda' stopped at three pretzels.
We had a similar situation recently at these parts, too.... although I fear I was the one who poisoned the kids. Freezer food, thought it was good, but soon we were all heaving (except Hubby, who wisely declined dinner). Like your soft tacos, I'm never serving frozen stir fried veggies again. The scenario with my middle child went more like:
"My tummy hurts"
"Quick! Use the bucket in front of you!"
A turns and looks far to the right.
vrop
I did a lot of laundry that weekend.
...........
And now we have the stomach flu. My carpets will never be the same.
...........................
Enjoy the week off! Score on getting the whole week - my brother's a ME in Colorado, it doesn't appear easy to get much time off in the paper biz.
Oh, and one word of advice? Stay away from the Phone Sex number. Although, it may help with the suppositories.
dan, you're right. the ginger ale did nothing. really, i think nothing will do when you're body is intent on getting rid of a virus.
simon, the movies you see listed will forever be linked to this illness. i still remember watching that abe lincoln series on public television 4 years ago with my last virus.
mamalujo, that sure sounds ... interesting. personally, i think i'd rather puke than stick something up my ass. of course, i should be honest: i was saying i was willing to die, now i won't stick something up my ass to feel better. maybe a different answer a few days ago ...
kz, your story reminds me of when my first son was a newborn. my wife had an infection. she was holding him, started to puke and so i grab the first large pan i saw. i went to shove it under her mouth so she wouldn't throw up on him ... but i clanged him in the head with it.
john, i don't know how that works, but i'll answer the questions for the fun of it:
7 things to do before I die:
1. see my boys grow up into happy men.
2. write a book
3. really learn to play the guitar really good
4. see europe
5. see the gamecocks win a national championship
6. find a way to not be a selfish know-it-all
7. wield a real, honest-to-god lightsaber
7 things I can't do:
1. fix things
2. dunk
3. do basic math
4. stop squeezing my boys
5. treat my wife like i should
6. find a place in my heart for the clemson tigers
7. abide exploitation and apathy
7 things that attract me to blogging:
1. to write what i want, not what i have to write
2. because i'm narcissistic
3. interesting people
4. learning something from someone i don't know
5. finding a way to make words go with a picture
6. a forum to complain
7. because all the kids are doing it
7 things I say most often:
1. no
2. what do you want?
3. sorry
4. this is eric
5. i love you
6. whatever
7. god (both when i should and when i shouldn't)
7 books I love:
1. tropic of cancer, henry miller
2. on the road, jack kerouac
3. twelfth night, shakespeare
4. 1984, orwell
5. spiderman
6. the things they carried, tim o'brien
7. job: a comedy of justice, robert heinlein
7 movies I watch over and over:
1. star wars
2. super troopers
3. napoleon dynamite
4. lord of the rings
5. pulp ficition
6. dave chappelle
7. punch drunk love
e+
"see the gamecocks win a national championship"
There's a hopeful gamecock for you. Not surprisingly that's on my list as well.
Have you seen Dave Chappelle's Live at the Fillmore DVD? Freakin hilarious. What a genius.
i think i saw half that and fell asleep. i had borrowed it and had to give it back.
i think i remember the one about him riding with his white friend who was speeding. when the cop pulled him over, he told him (in best overdone white guy voice), "i'm sorry, officer, i didn't know i couldn't do that."
my mother in law gave me seasons 1 and 2 on dvd for christmas.
e+
Post a Comment