Down And Out In Outer Space

'It was a conspiracy,' a drunken Pluto says in exclusive interview


By Chu E. Baka
The Georgetown (S.C.) Tattler
OUTER SOLAR SYSTEM BUREAU

Pluto has fallen on hard times in the week since his humiliating demotion -- binging on hard liquor, inciting brawls and threatening suicide.

In an exclusive, tell-all interview a week after being stripped of his title as the ninth planet of the solar system, Pluto tells The Tattler he "was used and tossed out like a cheap Las Vegas wedding dress" in what he described as "a jealous plot" to sabotage his "enigmatic charm."

"I never felt like I was a part of the quote unquote, 'clique', you know?" Pluto said as he wobbled in his already eccentric orbit, continuing a seven-day bender on Red Bull and Everclear.

"I never had fancy rings like Saturn," he said. "I'm butt ugly, but I'm way out here, you know? With all these big guys with lots of pretty colors. And, yes, Uranus is exactly what you'd expect him to be: a huge asshole."

In 1930, Pluto was named the solar system's ninth planet after astronomer Clyde Tombaugh discovered him. The designation was always surrounded by a shroud of doubt, however, as astronomers regularly debated whether Pluto was, in fact, really a planet.

That debate was settled Aug. 24 when the International Astronomical Union voted to strip Pluto of his planetary status and classify him as a "dwarf planet" along with three other solar objects found in recent years.

"I'll never understand," Pluto said, as he crushed a beer can onto his icy surface. "The kids loved me. Maybe it was because of that dog. Or maybe it was my mysterious, aloof je-ne-sais-quoi. I mean, I was a bonnet rouge, a gnat among giants out here. Now I realize these guys were just faux amis, bourgeois snobs. Hey, do you know where the pisser is, mon ami?"

Pluto vomited and collapsed to the floor.

"Oh, God, he's talking in French again," said Charon, Pluto's like-sized moon, whispering to avoid another belligerent Pluto tirade. Charon is considered Pluto's most-trusted confidant, particularly because their orbits are such that they always present the same face to one another.

"I still don't understand him," she said. "That planet will always be an enigma to me. I've tried to talk to him, console him, but he just shouts at me, 'What do you care?! You weren't a planet!' I never know what to say, except, 'Well, I almost was."

Just before voting Pluto out, the IAU had been considering expanding the solar system to 12 planets -- Charon, UB313 (nicknamed "Xena" after its discovery in 2003) and Ceres (a body in the asteroid belt between Jupiter and Mars that was named a planet in the 1800s only to be stripped of its status).

"They screwed Ceres over, too," Pluto said, as he regained consciousness and picked himself up from a pool of vomit. "I'll tell you who did it: Halley's Comet. She did both of us in, man. That dirty, two-timing succubus. Sometimes I don't know why I even bother trying to be a part of this solar system. I only get arond the sun every 248 years. Maybe a black hole will consume me and take me out of my misery."

Pluto claims that he and Halley's Comet had a private conversation not long before Halley's last visit to Earth in 1986. Pluto confided in Halley that he was unsure how to handle the attention of being considered the "eighth planet" for a short time.

Pluto's odd orbit is such that it crosses Neptune's orbit for various periods of time and is, in fact, closer to the Sun. This was the case from 1979 to 1999.

Pluto had established a newfound fame because of this phenonmenon and began to leave his shaky public perception behind -- but he was concerned about "showing up" his nearest planetary neighbor, whom he considered a "nice guy."

Jealousy, Pluto said, led Halley's during her last visit to Earth to mislead astronomers about Pluto's feelings regarding his temporary moment in the spotlight.

Astronomers were once again soured, perceiving Pluto as being too "big for his britches."

"Halley's always wanted to be the tenth planet," Pluto said. "I understand what it's like to want that. I really do, because I wanted it for so long. But I never thought she'd do this. She spread lies about me all across the solar system."

He declined, however, to specify any fabrications.

"I just want her to keep my name out her mouth from now on," Pluto said. "So I'm not going to put her name in my mouth anymore."

When contacted by The Tattler, Halley's said, "No comment. And don't say I said, 'No comment.' No comment means no comment, not 'No comment.' This comet isn't saying 'No comment' -- but, no, I don't have a comment to give you. Maybe I'll have something to say when I return to Earth in 2061."

The last time Neptune saw Pluto, he said the planet he affectionately referred to as "Lil' Plute" seemed "on top of the world, whatever world that might be."

"Yo, you know, me and 'Lil Plute was kickin' back in '79, you know," Neptune said. "It was cool and all. He was like, 'Hey, I hope you don't mind this.' And I told him, 'Naw, partna, it's yo show for the next 20 years. You my boy. Then, 20 years later, you know, you could tell he was all, like, at peace or whatever."

By the time they meet again in 221 years, Neptune says he hopes Pluto will have "gotten outta that funk" so the two can "sip on some Grey Goose" and "philosophize on the Big Bang and that string theory shit."

Neptune says Pluto was simply a victim of "hatin' the playa and not tha' game."

Asked about Halley's role, Neptune declined to elaborate.

"Yo, man, I don't even mess with skanks like that, he said. "Too much drama. I just try to get along, man. Check it, Uranus is all showin' out and spinning on his side and shit and sensitive about how you say his name. He's why I just decided to give everybody different handles, you know? 'Big Jupe' rolls like that, too. He knows everybody's always hatin' on him, bein' the biggest and all that."

So, what's next for the dejected former planet?

"I don't know, man," Pluto said, in a reflective timbre. "I hear the astrologers still say I can rule the Scorpio sign. I always thought the astrologers were kind of kooky and the Scorpio's were kind of downers, but I guess it's a good fit right now. Maybe me and some of the other dwarf dudes will start a fraternity or something. If they'll have me. I'm really a mess right now."

And, before fading into unconsciousness, he quoted a man he considered a similarly "lost soul:"

"What's that Mike Tyson said after Lennox Lewis kicked his ass in Memphis? What was it? Oh, yeah, he said, 'I might just fade into Bolovian ... I might just go to New York and feed my pigeons on the roof.' That's about how I feel right now, man. If I ever make it back to New York."

"Burp."