Accelerate Your Life ... But Not If It's In A Minivan
Watching those military propaganda ads during the commercial break between the Suns vs. the Lakers, you get the feeling you're really letting your life get behind you.
The people dangling from ropes hanging from helicopters. Smart-looking technical servicemen and servicewomen of every imaginable race with cool technical thingamajigs training for a future college degree when they're back from the war. The eagles soaring and the rockets red-glaring and the grain amber-waving ...
The Navy is the place for you -- unless, of course, you're a domesticated, presumably neutered shell of a man auctioning his balls away for safety, fuel-efficiency and comfort.
Transposed against the visceral manliness of being all that is Navy, the commercial tells us as we look at an unfortunate soul shopping for a family vehicle: "And just think, some poor guy is buying a minivan. Accelerate Your Life."
The Navy understands our plight.
Why?
Why get married to someone who helps complete you?
Why be the absolute greatest thing through the eyes of a young child the world has ever seen?
Why hear your daughter say "Look at the moon" for the first time?
Why coach T-ball and watch your kids run the bases the wrong way?
Why have personalized drawings with 32 hearts and the inscription, "You are the gratest Daddy You are spshl" hanging above your work desk?
Why, when you have so much to scale and conquer and blow up?
After all, you could be living the nightmare of buying a minivan, you pathetic excuse for a man.
Man, I always wondered if I should have joined the Navy. Now the brutal truth that I'm not making the most out of my life is exposed, and I can only blame myself for pissing away my piece of the American Dream.
But, hey, at least I've got V-6, right? And I can always mount the gun turrets into the sliding doors later.
12 comments:
You f'n rock! At first I was like, "Oh no, where is this going?" But as usual, you just further confirmed that there are still great Dad's and Hubbies out there who don't fall into the "enlist for adventure" trap.
BTW: "Why coach T-ball and watch your kids run the bases the wrong way?" Quote Of The Day
now, that's exactly what happens when you don't wind the windows down.
so, i didn't join the navy and don't own a minivan and i have no kids...to my knowledge.
i'd make a bad father anyway...the absent kind.
*knock knock*
jake! i lost faith, man, and i left you for dead. i must now humbly repent and seek absolution. it's really good to see you, man.
thanks for that, tink. i didn't realize until you said that about worrying about where it might go that it at first actually could be taken as me supporting that type of stuff. i'm glad for that. adds a little uncertainty. but don't give me too much credit on the minivan. i avoid driving it as much as i can. now, that's not to say i would just leave it to my wife. i'd let her drive my truck to escape soccermomness every now and then, but she says it's to damn dirty.
dan, i said the same thing about being a father before i became one. now, at least i think i can be a good father *some* of the time.
e+
i wanted to join the Decepticons when I was younger.
These days I'd be happier being a muppet.
screetus ... i guess this is right up your alley. i'm not personally outraged by it and certainly not offended (it's a waste of time to ever be offended and self-centered).
what strikes me about it is that it divides our society in a way. we are telling young men to frown upon starting a family, basically. go fight instead.
the armed forces are a venerated institution. what this does is forces us to point out how one is better than the other.
if the navy says a guy driving a minivan (actually it says just even buying one) is something of a failure, then those americans that do are forced to say, well it's not and actually here's how joining the military might not be in your best interest.
the point is recruiting and they push hard. and you're right, it would speak to me differently at age 19.
it's not the ridicule. i don't mind that because we're both aware when we bought it that it was kind of funny. i just don't like our public institutions engaging in cultural warfare.
simon, i wanted to be the decepticons, too. not because they were evil, but because they were the only ones who could fly, remember?
e+
Minivans are usually safer than regular cars. So I guess they would be the 'tank' of cars.
Or maybe Hummer's are the tanks... they look like tanks but I hear they have poor safety ratings.
Anyway, F- the Navy. Well... they are cool too. Their ads just suck.
Judging by that picture, I'd say that was a pretty great day.
I think you're spshl too.
rusty, minivans are the f-16s ... fast and nimble. the V-6 leaves those gas guzzling monstrositites in a wake of ironic uncoolness.
simon ... you know, the only problem we got with our wonderful holiday is that it's hitler's birthday, and crazy goth teens like to shoot up schools.
cindy, that was after a long day at the beach in west palm. we had only had the minivan for a month. i fell in love with it knowing all the fun we'd have with these little men.
e+
It's funny how they never show you know, how most of them end up sitting behind a desk, getting crappy haircuts and eating gross mass-produced congealed food, living communally, showering communally....if I HAD to pick out of the 2, you bet I'd take the minivan. Parenting may be harder on the nerves, but it tends to be less lethal.
I'm in the Navy and until December also had a minivan. I hate those commercials I've been in 4 years and haven't been on a ship or blew anything up(well not with the Navy's permission)! It's not great or really fun but it did help me buy that minivan...
rc, i hope you understand that i very much respect the military.
my problem, as i mentioned, with the commercial is that it forces us to split into groups. you're proof that guys can be men and still drive minivans, no matter what propaganda the military throws at us.
e+
Post a Comment