Man Struggles With Columbus Day Tradition

By Hugh Munn
STAFF WRITER
The Georgetown (S.C.) Tattler

SCUFFLETOWN, S.C. -- An area man said today that he's having trouble using the internet to find a Columbus Day present for his racist second cousin.

"I know I wanna to git 'em one of them screw-the-immigrants bumper stickers," Bill Boothauser said as he leaned over a desk trolling websites on a library computer. "He hates them Mexicans jumpin' over the fence and breathin' all the white man's air. But the Google ain't workin', and I ain't callin' up one of them Injuns overseas."

The recognition of Columbus Day in the Boothauser family is a tradition that stretches back generations.

Past presents have included a Toby Keith CD, several shotguns and a Native American dreamcatcher from "the Cherokee store."

"Me and cuz celebrate Columbus Day because that man was a great American," Boothauser said. "If he hadn't landed on Plymouth Rock, wouldn't nobody be here."

Earlier in the day, Boothauser said, he went to the Havana Leaves tobacco store to buy his cousin -- a self-proclaimed "citizen border agent on patrol" -- "some kind of 'cee-gar' they say's real fancy."

However, Boothauser said he left when the store attendant "smirked real suspicious-like" and asked him a strange question after he told the attendant the occasion.

"He asked me if I knew what a 'ironee' was," Boothauser said. "I told him I thought that was one them women what slid a iron over the clothes every mornin'. I figured he musta been a homo or somethin'."

There was no word late Monday on what Boothauser settled on.

Sleep Over

So my son has his friend over to spend the night, and it was a lot of work to get the deal sealed.

A lot of negotiating back and forth which house they'd stay at. The friend says his mom is making him some cake and he wants to be able to eat that, so it should be his house.

My son says he wants sleep in his own bed, but his friend says he wants the cake.

My son says he can bring the cake with him, but his friend says he's afraid of the dark and can't bring the cake.

And that he never has anybody sleep at his house.

Eventually, they end up here.

It was a lot of work. Particularly after a long day of playing "Guitar Hero."

Anyway ... they're back there playing around, two elementary school kids trading football cards and generally exploring the evening, and I open the door and tell them, "There's only one rule: You can't play the Playstation."

The looks on their faces were priceless.

What a great sense of humor I have.